I never set out to have a mistress, it just…happened. We met online. I was reading an article about the most popular websites and there she was. She was stunning and inviting. I fumbled through the motions at first and then found myself staring at her perfectly proportioned icons on the freshly pressed page.
La Lecture; Pablo Picasso’s Mistress
As I read each post a primal urge began to well up within me. My appetite was insatiable. I gorged myself in the essence of it. I recognized an invitation to connect and become a part of her world. I never hesitated. At first I was secretive; stealing moments to be with her, using an alias, making excuses at home for the distant looks.
Today we openly walk hand-in-hand. My friends and family know about us. We have an incredible relationship. I tell her everything. She makes me laugh…and cry. She helps me sort through life. She makes me a better person. She completes me.
My wife likes her too.
WordPress is my mistress.
Seasoned clients understand the many benefits and pleasures of sharing their life with WordPress. For those who are visiting for the first time like I once did, allow me to share some of the many benefits of having WordPress as your mistress.
Top 10 reasons WordPress should be your mistress:
1) WordPress is always there for you
WordPress is always ready, 24/7. You can’t sleep at night? Your wife is catching up on back episodes of Four Weddings? Just want some alone time with a friend? You always have a spot on the couch with WordPress. WordPress will never be out with the girls or at a mistress convention in Vegas or “just not feeling up to it”. WordPress is for you, whenever and wherever you want her, and she will never, ever leave you.
2) WordPress respects your private life
WordPress will never call you at 2 o’clock in the morning and tell you she’s lonely or get jealous when your wife demands you spend more time at home. There won’t be passive/aggressive applications of guilt when you get ready to leave. You won’t run into WordPress while you and your wife are at the grocery store praying she doesn’t grab your crotch or give you a wink or mouth the words “call me”. WordPress is discreet and classy.
3) WordPress always follows your lead
WordPress reflects your state of mind. Feel like laughing (or crying)? She has what you need. Are you hungry? She’s got recipes for everything. Want to wallow in spiritual guidance? She’ll talk about eternity (or the lack of) for eternity! WordPress will take you around the world (that’s right!) if you feel like traveling. WordPress is anything you want. Endless variety, and it’s all about you.
4) WordPress is free!
WordPress isn’t a lady-of-the-evening or “girlfriend experience”. She will never ask for money to get an apartment or nice clothes or fancy food. You won’t have to get a P.O. Box for your credit card statements or carry around a roll of benjamins. WordPress is a low-maintenance self-sustaining mistress that costs absolutely nothing. Sweet!
5) No STD’s or unplanned pregnancies with WordPress
Hot, sweaty, gratifying sex is not what WordPress is about. You think this is a drawback? Think it through; you’re never going to knock up WordPress or catch any of the multitude of diseases she would be incubating if she had sex with her millions of clients. This means you’re never going to have to introduce your kids to their half-brother or ask your partner to be tested, “just to be sure”. Life is complicated enough, isn’t it?
6) Make new friends
WordPress has millions of clients (yes, we all share the love) and each one can be your friend. These are strong relationships you will appreciate. You will share thoughts and feelings and your creations with each other. You will build a network of hundreds, maybe thousands of people that teach you things and give feedback on your craft and boost your ego. It’s like a virtual key party! Where else can you get that?
7) No messy breakup
You’ll never come home after a hard day’s work to find your personal belongings on the lawn in the rain. You’ll never see your face on a billboard with the words “lying, cheating, bastard” next to it. And you’ll never lose half (or more) of everything you own because of WordPress. Think Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Rudy Giuliani, Arnold Schwarzenegger; the list is endless. They should have hooked up with WordPress…losers!
8) WordPress is easy!
I used to daydream in high school math class about the beautiful blond sitting in front of me. To this day I suck at math. WordPress is that awesome daydream! Only real! (Well, virtually real…). The point is, you don’t need to know algorithms or have computer code writing skills to get into WordPress’s pants. WordPress is ready for you. WordPress guides you in. WordPress wants you.
9) No guilt involved
You don’t leave the house, you’re not spending money on someone else, and you’re not seeding someone else’s clouds or supporting the penicillin industry. You don’t even have to shower when you’re done! It’s a win, win, win!
10) Challenging and exciting
WordPress helps you step out of your comfort zone. You strive to express and impress. You improve yourself and become a better person. You build a story slowly, soon quaking and thrusting words and punctuation, and from within, your creation erupts. Pushing the publish button is exhilarating and invigorating. In the afterglow, with a look of contentment on your face, you will think to yourself: I needed that, I love these moments, I love you WordPress…
This is beautiful my friend. I just tweeted this to @freshly_pressed for recommendation. I hope they agree with me. This is what it’s all about. Said in a way no one but you could say it. Bravo.
Wow! Thank you CD! That’s some awesome words coming my way! You made my day!
You’re so welcome!
I shouldn’t forget to thank you for your suggestions on your recent post. Notice I used several
Yes you are!
I am going to do the same!
Thanks Jen!
My dad always used to say “Don’t get greedy”; I’m thinking life is good right now!
Did you see our friend was pressed for Vanilla Ice Cream Revisited? Beautiful, just beautiful!!!
I did not know one could recommend a post for pressing! That’s awesome and this one deserves it. Of course, this means I have to become a Twit.
I didn’t know that either! And I’ve tried to be a twit but it really hasn’t taken. Thank you for the nice comment and support!
Well, pat yourself on the back for me, wordpress friend! I’ve been flirting with the idea of getting out, but you just convinced me that I must stay–you and my new computer! Santa’s pack opened early this year. I’ve been a good girl, it seems!
Hope this makes it to freshly pressed–fine!
Thank you ly! You’re too kind! New computer! Nice…you must have been a good girl!
Hey Seattle!!! You done good!!!!!
Portland
Thanks Jots! Glad you liked it!!!
You nailed it – she really is ever-present, through thick and thin. The threesome you’ve always wanted.
Thanks Mike,
Seeing as how my wife usually helps me on the stuff I write I guess this is a threesome! Thanks for dropping in!
Red,
This made me laugh. my friend… not the way I laugh at my daughter when she trips… But I’m here sitting with your mistress, and we had a good time reading you. She wants me to tell you:
“Red, I’m a way of life”. She’s demanding, that one…
Le Clown
Le Clown,
Funny how she gets under your skin. I’ve been in the afterglow all day, and you’re right, she is a way of life. Glad it made you laugh little brother, that’s what I was shooting for…besides my blatant attempt to compliment and promote the mistress herself.
Red
Nice one, Red! I also like the fact that WP doesn’t judge what you’re wearing when you get together. You don’t have to get all fancy, you can just be casual. WP doesn’t even care if you have food in your teeth. It’s such a nice arrangement that I don’t even mind that WP never brings me flowers.
Thanks Weebs,
It’s a good thing fancy isn’t necessary around here, WP and I never would have never gotten together! I often just leave my teeth out when we’re together, I think she likes it!
Red
This is classic, Red! I love #7. Thankfully, I’ve never been accused of being a lying, cheating, bastard. But it’s definitely something I won’t be hearing from this *clean* mistress! I’m gonna send out a tweet for you. I dig it!
Hey thanks Adam,
Glad to say I haven’t accused of that either, but a few years back when I was a house builder, we arrived to work one morning to find the on-site dumpster filled with clothes, camping, fishing, and hunting gear. I mean it was filled! We put it all in a garage for the guy but he never came back to retrieve it…we knew where it came from and that house was a lot quieter after that…
Thanks for the support!
Awesome!!!
Very well done and something that everyone can relate to … Meanwhile, let me be the first to congratulate you on what will come of this post.
Thanks Frank,
Can you see into the future?
I foresee something for this post, which could also bring sadness.
Dang, and it’s Monday!
Maybe I should go back to bed and call in sick!
The double-edge sword … but I won’t say more.
That’s it. I’m going back to bed!
Be strong! Step into the arena of life!!!
Maybe some breakfast…
Wow, this is amazing. I’ve been meaning to write about my love for WordPress for awhile now. You’ve given me a reason, although I definitely couldn’t outdo you!
Oh please! I can’t wait to see your version! Nice capital P by the way!
HAHA! Totally got scolded by the amazing WordPress gods. Love it.
Like the man behind the curtain. I got shivers.
My lover is WordPress; my husband’s is Tumblr. We make it work. Awesome post.
Thank you Emily. Quite a mix over there. It’s all about getting along
Great to hear how much mistress WP really is, that she shares so readily. This post made me laugh and enjoy it.
“They should have hooked up with WordPress…losers!” <- This. This is why we will become good friends. Hahaha!
Love this post! Cracked up the whole way through it and doesn't it just feel so good to have WordPress at your beck and call? Freaking awesome, I tell ya
Ha! Glad you liked it! I love WordPress! That’s all there is to it! Thanks for reading!
Cryptic and exciting from the begining to the middle and all the way to the end. You really inspire the lowly and up-coming writers to strive to be in a place of written harmony. Sometimes I stare at my screen trying to find the right words and other times they just fly onto the screen. Once again your words inspire me to keep writing.
Wow, that’s a huge compliment trukerwyfe! Thank you. And keep writing!
“Perfectly proportioned icons.” ROFL! Love your take on WP and I’d agree, except our language doesn’t have a male equivalent of “mistress.”
So glad you picked up on that Susan, that was one of my favorite parts of that post! I struggled with the whole mistress gender issue; my research came up short as well…
Thanks for checking out my work!
Fabulous piece!!! Thoroughly enjoyed every line!
Thanks Victoria! That was fun put together, thanks for dropping in and reading!
I am new to this platform, and so far I am loving it. I do think it will help me grow, and I am already meeting some fabulous people. Yay!
I am loving your posts. This post was quite creative and funny.
It is really amazing when you find yourself among friends that you haven’t met face-to-face and they have an active part in your growth. Thanks for stopping in Dani.
It’s true, Red. I feel the same way about WordPress. She’s my mistress. Wait, that doesn’t sound right! You know what I mean. Indeed, the best thing is the many relationships you build through creating something that is meaningful to you, which is all the more special when it’s meaningful for others. I love this post!
After almost a year of fumbling about in solitude, trying to create a cohesive blog, I discovered the WordPress community earlier this week. I have no idea why it took me so long to notice that little button on the top right of my stats page, but clearly I was not ready to expand my universe until now. I already feel my brain, and community, expanding. Apparently I always needed a mistress…who knew? Thanks for a great post.
Greetings from Maryland
Melanie
Welcome Melanie! It’s a great place to be, here on WordPress! Glad you stopped by and thank you! I look forward to exploring your work!
This should have been FP’d too! I love it.
Thanks Elizabeth,
I really tried to get on the front page with this one. Funny how things work…
Glad you liked it!
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LOL, absolutely brilliant! Talk about connecting on a whole other level. As a mistress, WP is definitely underrated! Look forward to reading your posts, cheers to you!
Thanks 1EU!
I look forward to exploring your work.
Red