I never set out to have a mistress, it just…happened. We met online. I was reading an article about the most popular websites and there she was. She was stunning and inviting. I fumbled through the motions at first and then found myself staring at her perfectly proportioned icons on the freshly pressed page.
As I read each post a primal urge began to well up within me. My appetite was insatiable. I gorged myself in the essence of it. I recognized an invitation to connect and become a part of her world. I never hesitated. At first I was secretive; stealing moments to be with her, using an alias, making excuses at home for the distant looks.
Today we openly walk hand-in-hand. My friends and family know about us. We have an incredible relationship. I tell her everything. She makes me laugh…and cry. She helps me sort through life. She makes me a better person. She completes me.
My wife likes her too.
WordPress is my mistress.
Seasoned clients understand the many benefits and pleasures of sharing their life with WordPress. For those who are visiting for the first time like I once did, allow me to share some of the many benefits of having WordPress as your mistress.
Top 10 reasons WordPress should be your mistress:
1) WordPress is always there for you
WordPress is always ready, 24/7. You can’t sleep at night? Your wife is catching up on back episodes of Four Weddings? Just want some alone time with a friend? You always have a spot on the couch with WordPress. WordPress will never be out with the girls or at a mistress convention in Vegas or “just not feeling up to it”. WordPress is for you, whenever and wherever you want her, and she will never, ever leave you.
2) WordPress respects your private life
WordPress will never call you at 2 o’clock in the morning and tell you she’s lonely or get jealous when your wife demands you spend more time at home. There won’t be passive/aggressive applications of guilt when you get ready to leave. You won’t run into WordPress while you and your wife are at the grocery store praying she doesn’t grab your crotch or give you a wink or mouth the words “call me”. WordPress is discreet and classy.
3) WordPress always follows your lead
WordPress reflects your state of mind. Feel like laughing (or crying)? She has what you need. Are you hungry? She’s got recipes for everything. Want to wallow in spiritual guidance? She’ll talk about eternity (or the lack of) for eternity! WordPress will take you around the world (that’s right!) if you feel like traveling. WordPress is anything you want. Endless variety, and it’s all about you.
4) WordPress is free!
WordPress isn’t a lady-of-the-evening or “girlfriend experience”. She will never ask for money to get an apartment or nice clothes or fancy food. You won’t have to get a P.O. Box for your credit card statements or carry around a roll of benjamins. WordPress is a low-maintenance self-sustaining mistress that costs absolutely nothing. Sweet!
5) No STD’s or unplanned pregnancies with WordPress
Hot, sweaty, gratifying sex is not what WordPress is about. You think this is a drawback? Think it through; you’re never going to knock up WordPress or catch any of the multitude of diseases she would be incubating if she had sex with her millions of clients. This means you’re never going to have to introduce your kids to their half-brother or ask your partner to be tested, “just to be sure”. Life is complicated enough, isn’t it?
6) Make new friends
WordPress has millions of clients (yes, we all share the love) and each one can be your friend. These are strong relationships you will appreciate. You will share thoughts and feelings and your creations with each other. You will build a network of hundreds, maybe thousands of people that teach you things and give feedback on your craft and boost your ego. It’s like a virtual key party! Where else can you get that?
7) No messy breakup
You’ll never come home after a hard day’s work to find your personal belongings on the lawn in the rain. You’ll never see your face on a billboard with the words “lying, cheating, bastard” next to it. And you’ll never lose half (or more) of everything you own because of WordPress. Think Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Rudy Giuliani, Arnold Schwarzenegger; the list is endless. They should have hooked up with WordPress…losers!
8) WordPress is easy!
I used to daydream in high school math class about the beautiful blond sitting in front of me. To this day I suck at math. WordPress is that awesome daydream! Only real! (Well, virtually real…). The point is, you don’t need to know algorithms or have computer code writing skills to get into WordPress’s pants. WordPress is ready for you. WordPress guides you in. WordPress wants you.
9) No guilt involved
You don’t leave the house, you’re not spending money on someone else, and you’re not seeding someone else’s clouds or supporting the penicillin industry. You don’t even have to shower when you’re done! It’s a win, win, win!
10) Challenging and exciting
WordPress helps you step out of your comfort zone. You strive to express and impress. You improve yourself and become a better person. You build a story slowly, soon quaking and thrusting words and punctuation, and from within, your creation erupts. Pushing the publish button is exhilarating and invigorating. In the afterglow, with a look of contentment on your face, you will think to yourself: I needed that, I love these moments, I love you WordPress…